I hear a lot about teaching this new generation of boys to respect girls and that when it comes to engaging in sex that “NO means NO”. We are supposed to be telling our sons that girls who have been drinking cannot consent so a verbal yes from them is not sufficient. I happen to be someone who thinks this is all futile. The vast majority of boys/men are not rapists and the very few who are do not come from parents who instill decency in them anyway. We have to stop teaching our girls that they are not ever responsible for anything. NO one deserves to be raped, ever. So rape victims are reassured over and over that they had no part in it but this is not usually true. Of course, there are violent rapists out there who will target anyone any where, no matter what but when we talk about ‘date rape’ there is a great deal girls can do to protect themselves. If some girls decide to get intoxicated, be at a frat party with many intoxicated boys the fact that a very small minority would hurt them is of no comfort when it is just as easy to fall in with the one who will. I don’t want my granddaughters to ever be raped so absolving them of any guilt (the guilt does not belong to the victim anyway) will do nothing to undo whatever befalls them. I will teach them to avoid places and activities that considerably optimize their chances of getting hurt.
I did watch a program on television in which an ex couple is in attendance at the same frat party. They both get horribly drunk and consensually sleep together. The girl has regrets and , as she talks to people, she is more and more convinced that her consent was not of her free will due to intoxication. She does come forward and accuse the boy of rape and he is expelled from school. This is just so wrong, in my opinion. Together, they made a joint decision that affected both of them while neither was in any condition to do so. It escapes my sense of logic that it ever got translated into the male being a perpetrator and the female being a victim! They made exactly the same decisions from start to finish! Are we really prepared for society to go back to the antiquated notion that sex is simply something that a man receives and a woman gives? Do we really want a whole generation having this warped version of what should be a mutual act of satisfaction? Regardless of personal views about sexuality and the where, when and why sex should be condoned it will always have to be mutual between partners, even married partners (legal or otherwise).
A girl can be stone, cold sober and agree to have sex with someone who is not her boyfriend. She then has regrets the next day and in her mind she justifies her actions by transference. She tells her self she wishes she hadn’t done that, in fact it wasn’t really her idea, she didn’t really want to do it, in fact she was talked into it. As a matter of fact she might as well have been forced into it, and really, she now feels she WAS forced into it. She is outraged! Can you see how this is complete bologna and it is hurting the cases of girls who come forward when they are physically, emotionally and forcibly raped. It is hard, unless you were a fly on the wall , to know, for sure, which version actually happened. That is irritating to me as it keeps victims of violent crimes intimidated for fear they won’t be believed. Imagine that their fellow girls have created this dilemma.
We don’t need to teach our boys to leave alone a girl who is incapacitated. We need to teach them to protect them against the few who would hurt them while they are in that state and to stand up for them. We need to teach our girls to not put themselves in compromising positions. A three year old child never deserves to be run down by a car but we don’t tell them this: we tell them to not go into the street! Putting oneself in harms way will get one harmed…whether one deserves it is absolutely not relevant.